loudon | ic spam

Plants have got it all figured out. No thoughts, just vibes.

Do you think Gollum ever lies down or does he only do the little frog crouch thing?

I'd once read that like, grass screams when it's cut or something. Is that true? Or do we humans just project human shit onto plants?

I think when he finishes his shift being a sick freak, he gets home, stands up straight, and starts talking normally.

Yeah, that's kind of true. They give off ultrasonic and chemical distress signals to warn other plants when they're damaged, but they don't have thoughts and feelings the way humans and other animals do, so a lot of that's just people projecting. TL;DR grass doesn't experience existential dread, but it doesn't enjoy the sensation of being cut, either.

Ahh, like that coyote and sheepdog cartoon. I see.

Wow, plants are just like us. I also give off a chemical distress signal to warn others when I'm being damaged. Scientists are calling it "flop sweat." ~~Now if only we could get rid of that existential dread~~

That was a deep pull, man. Are you a fellow Looney Tunes connoisseur?

Fortunately for you, my powers do not recognize flop sweat. Only grass screaming.

Hell yeah, I am. They're Art.

Have you ever encountered a work and decided it wasn't art? That's how I feel about Westworld.

While I personally cannot be the arbiter of what is and isn't art, I can say that I (subjectively) did not enjoy Westworld.

Oh I'll judge anything. I also thought Lincoln was kind of ass. Least favorite Daniel Day-Lewis movie.

So, question. You really don't eat food at all? Or you can but you don't need to? Sorry if this is a repeat question, I just want to make sure I really get it.

I never said I wouldn't judge. I'll judge anything. I'm a proud hater. The whole "what is art?" argument is just a big philosophical thing that maybe I shouldn't have read into so literally.

I can eat food, I just don't need to. Kind of like how a carnivorous plant doesn't need to eat insects, but it can if the opportunity comes up. I don't really get hungry in the conventional sense but sometimes I want a little taco as a treat, or whatever. If that makes sense. But it's more work than just passively absorbing sunlight.

No, you understood me right the first time. I’ll judge and say something isn’t art lmfao. I think big philosophical arguments are fun. […] And count as art lmfao.

So do you have favorite foods you go for when you want a little carnivorous plant treat? What’s your flavor profile?

Oh, all right, then. I do love a big, philosophical argument. One of my specialties used to be taking stuff that rich, fancy assholes didn't consider to be art and arguing that it was had more cultural value than whatever nepo baby shit they were into that month.

There's a little vegan shawarma place in Boston that's pretty good. Also: Montréal bagels. Spicy miso ramen. If I'm gonna go through the effort of eating something, it's got to be way better than soggy cafeteria egg salad sandwiches, y'know? I used to be really into cooking, but it's usually just not worth the bother now.

What about you?

Your most infamous argument then, go.

This is a very disparate flavor profile, my friend lol. You’re hard to pin down. I like to think that I’ll eat anything, but that’s not true. Cheese is a hit and miss with me. Not especially crazy about cream-based pastas. I never had Caesar salad before boarding school, and even to this day I have to be in the right headspace for it and steel myself.

Well, now I'm self-conscious. I'm not defending a thesis any more. What if I hate on Banksy and you throw me in the lake?

Sorry! I dunno, I'm just going off the top of my head. I wasn't a big cheese fan even when I still ate cheese. Not really much of a dairy guy. I don't "get" Caesar salad. It's just wet lettuce.

I’d have to touch you to throw you into the lake, and I can’t, so you’re safe from these philosophical hands. Visual art isn’t really my forte, anyway. When I was 11, I’d sit with a book of Thomas Kinkade paintings at the JEF library and pretend I lived in one of the houses lmfao. I’ll probably accept anything you say re: art—unless you say Thomas Kinkade is dope, because I know better about that now.

Shit, I can get away with anything, then.

Thomas Kinkade paintings are made to sell jigsaw puzzles.

I hope that wasn’t your most controversial argument.

It wasn't. That's just an irrefutable fact.

One of these days I’ll get an actual big philosophical controversy out of you.

But I was asking about food because I’m making cold noodles with eggs and I was wondering if you wanted some? If that’s not your bag and digesting would be too much of a hassle, no pressure and no worries.

You already got my dislike of money, capitalism, and nationalism.

That sounds good. I'll have a little, but not too much? If it's not too much of a hassle.

We need to go bigger, Lou.

And it’s not a hassle! I’ll drop it off later. Have a good nap.

Thank you. You really are too kind.

~~YOU! GAVE ME! THE WEED SAMPLER! FIRST!!!!!! YOU ARE KILLING ME DOCTOR LOU SWEETAPPLE!!!!!~~

Two glass tupperware containers: one with cold buckwheat noodles, sliced cucumber, and a halved soft boiled egg; the other with a cold, slushy-like broth garnished with green onion. And a sticky note, which reads,

Hope this fuels the controversy.

- Jack

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left outside Lou’s apartment, early evening 7/4